Blurred Vision

I guess what is true is that we grow and we change and no, things don't always stay the same. We come to points in our life that we long for moments of the past to return or perhaps we long for some portion of what gave us a sense of stability to return. Well what I miss at times is being naked (truthful) with myself, of sleeping in my own sheets and in my own apartment. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded and I fall to the reality that something somewhere is missing.

I heard a radio cast today about animals making us human, it was actually the title of some book and research focused on how to curtail animal behaviors. It apparently questioned wondering why animals such as the the polar bear walks endlessly. Well it does that because that is its nature. Before my earlier scare with public transportation I remember briefly catching a statement about the only way to change innate behavior or curtail it was to satiate the need and the focus.

So how if applied to myself would this work? I mean I am after all a creature of habit. I like some consistency regarding moods and personal space but truly what happens when that is not enough and we find ourselves in what feels like an eternal existence in Wu Wei? I mean, I've acknowledged the fact that I cannot always counter energies with my own in fact if this were the case I could quite easily find myself using valuable energy on things that perhaps don't really equate to a bag a beans -and all to satisfy the ego.

Wow, is this what 2009 brings? Is this what turning 30 is about. Stepping up to some invisible plate of life and saying okay enough is enough or is it simply acknowledging that putting up with BS is all in a days work? I don't know exactly what to think.
All I know is a creature of love must love and even though its attempts are at times to feel reciprocity of an endearingly warm and wanted embrace of the heart's spirit the calling is too great to ignore. Is this the call of the wild? A need to tame the internal desire to procreate a vision -a clandestine thought always shadowing in anything that will let it hide?

Who knows.